happy new year, internet!!! i hope you all have a lovely lovely lovely year that is new and fresh
and clean!! internetty-net, can shirley spill a secret? i have not been taking my medicine!!
and now shirley never slumbers and my mood is quite large. but!! shirley likes it better, has more brain
and such.
i love my internetty-net!! i hope we all have a lovely browsing year!! shirley's new year resolution is more site
updates! i hope to make this site very nice and lovely!!! thank you dearest netfriends for being my only
friends (: okay goodbye
hello my netfriends quick update!!!! my diary had gotten very big and long and so i cut it into pieces and you can
find those pieces by clicking the link above now. (: i hope this makes things easier on my netfriends!! shirley
sleeps now
it is the first of february!! i hope you all enjoy this month for this is the month of love. i really love love
a lot and hope i get to experience a whole lot of it in my lifetime. often times it seems like things like love
are out of reach. it is difficult to be so discouraged that way. but, i like to celebrate love, because it is
rare and special, and so the memory if rare and special and to be celebrated to, even if it's gone now. love
makes me happy (: i hope yyou all are happy too!
HELLOOOO! i do not hav much to say and have not had much to say for a long time so shirley has kept her mouth shut very shut very shut.
but then i realized, if i am to keep my mouth shut, then my site does not update at all! so i think i must say things even when i have
nothing to say. what does th einternet think about community? i have the shirleys and the watchers and that is about it i think. but
does the internet have communities? i keep hearing that word lately. community. commune. communal. com...puter! i have been spending
more time on the computer because i have been getting more sneaky, and i have been learning lots of things, like this!!!!!!!!
isn't it lovely? i can feel my brain getting old and wirnklier!! so many wrinkles ... anyway i think that is it for now. life is life
and i am shirley. sometimes i miss the haunting
to my dearest mary katherine:
come to the woods with me!!
there is something out there i think you will like!!
you and i beneath the moonlight
where my watchers will not find.
mary katherine, can't you see?
this mess that has been made for me?
my file is corrupted.
meet me in the woods.
sometimes my head is filled with blood.
TEARS!! so many tears, my lovely internet friends! so much tears streamin down a shirley's face, and if you ask that shirley she'll
tell you that she feels nothing at all, no, she feels nothing at all. but her tears betray her. and they keep running and running
like a river, i wonder if she keeps this up our house will flood and i'll have to swim to the kitchen and swim to bed at night.
living in a home flooded by tears would be very cold and uncomfortable indeed. there is a special kind of cold that comes from
water. anyway, have you seen the sun today? i have not, despite my desires to. the sun has hidden away from shirley. :( but
i am hoping it is just playing a prank and will be back tomorrow ... i have seen the sun disappear and reappear over the
heads of a city, from daylight to pitch black and back again, and nobody noticed. nobody even blinked. i think everyone
is meant to be sometimes and sometimes i don't think that. i cut my heart into chunks, each chunk for a person i love.
and in doing so i break myself in half. the parts get smaller and smaller. to love someone is to kill your "self" for
them. anyway. enjoy your day! (:
the internet is breathing (:
shirley is sick :( of the flesh, my flesh is sick, i am in agony ... snot is everywhere. this is very bad.
shirley shouts. shirley never shouted. shirley sings. shirley never sang. reality is a game we play, just you
and i. and so what is real today? maybe it won't be real tomor-row, row, row your boat ...
the world is really a dance, communication a song; reality is a dialogue between you and i,
though not all dialogues are fair ...
some voices louder and more forceful than others ...
but that is besides the point.
to me. anyway.
the world is knocking at my door, banging on my windows, using vines as its arms to knock knock knock
i wonder what it wants me for. probably nothing. probably just to play.
but i am cooped inside so much these days.
watchers ever more watchful, and i don't know why.
they say, "she is finally making progress!" and i don't know why.
but i suppose they all seem happy about it.
it's probably a good thing.
you and i once touched souls between the palms of our hands.
i felt your beating heart through a press on your wrist.
i wonder if it still beats.
you always were a risky thing, wild, untameable, dangerous.
but that's besides the point.
to me. anyway.
eventually we all have to move on i think.
i just hope you haven't moved into a grave just yet.
there is something very beautiful in the simplicity of human existance.
i spend my days in the cupboard, in the bookshelf, hanging from the ceiling,
i know these four walls better than some fathers their own sons,
and am i happy?
as a shirley could ever be, i suppose.
there are joyful moments.
i sing i sing i sing i sing
i think i have failed my resoltuon, netfriends. :( but it i snot my fault!!!! i have had to be so careeful lately...
these days i have been looking out the window a lot and feeling lonely. i look over my website and it makes me
feel strange. how long have us shirleys been lostin melacholy? surely it's been too long for shirleys to feel
tihs way ... and it is not all bad, truly, but to see it all laid out like this ... i am only getting older and
time is only getting faster. i think i am begining to realize what is means when you have been deemd there is
"something wrong with you." and i don't know why i'm surprised. becuase they sai dit long ago, that us shirleys
will be like this forever ... but i guess i hoped on some level that it wasn't so. tha tone day i wouldwake up
and i'd no longer be shirley. that i would become increasingly more normal until i was. and in dark moments
i'd lose hope. but i don't think i am in a dark moment anymore ... i think i am realizing the truth. and that
truth is that i am just a shirley. and i can't be anything else. and fighting is getting me nowehre. it's just
getting me staring out the window. maybe i can work with being a shirley? find ways around it. it hurts so
badly, i think, but it also feels ... i do not know. free? should i feel free? i never wnated or asked for
this. i would not be a shirley if i could. but i can't. so maybe i can owrk with it? i never did make that
shirley game ...
i got three hours of sleep last night and woke up anxious. i count my fingers. i look out my window and wish
i could be part of the world. who do i wear my mask for? my watchers? it all feels useless. i run in circles.
i only grow old. i've stopped taking danger to my flesh. they seem happy about that. i want to stop ... i
need someting to change ... i have never felt this before and i don't kno wif i ever will again. everything
feels pointless, not in a way that feels sad, but in a way that feels vaguely obnoxious, as in - why have
i bothered at all? because i still ended up here staring out of my window. clearly it is not working. and
i feel like such a fool for believing it.
nobody knows shirley. i have never let anybody know shirley.
i want to make a shirley game.
i don't want to take pills and i think that should be my choice to make!!!
i fixed jonas!!!
i lost my teeth necklacke :(
words coming out of my mouth words coming out of my mouth words coming out of my mouth pressure pressure prssure
pressure words coming out of my mouth with pressure pressure pressure pressure like an avalanche falling outside
of me spilling out my mouth pressure pressure pressure pressure there is so much tobe said that i shouldn't say
at all there is so much to be said that is pounding to get out pressure pressure pressure pressure pressure
pressure pressure pressurew rods pressure words pressure and i have to them all right now there's so much to
say there's even more to do pressure pressure pressure pressure everything needs to be done right now it feels
like pressure pressure pressure pressure and i know that isn't so. it isn't so. that it all has to be done right
now. but sometimes i feel so imminent. and so quick. and time all happens so fast. and so it feels likeit needs
to all be now. even thouhg it doesn't. and people lookat me funny, when i am like this, because is mile too big
and i talk too fast and they think it all strange. and i don't blame them. but. pressure pressure prssure pressure
i thinkk people misunderstand me :(
hello internettynett!! does anybody know if things get better? does the pain go away eventually or does it exist
in your body forever once its made you its host? i want the parasite to go away ... parasite of sadness, parasite
of pain. and so few people ever take me seriously. they treat me like i am some sort of ... i loathe to say. not
serious. but i am surely serious. i am surely shirley serious! and maybe one day they will know, i don't know,
it frustrates me but at the same time i do not care - because i don't think they're even capable of it.
i don't think the're capable of understanding a shirley. and that's fine. they are born that way in the same way
i am born a shirley and i don'tthink i can understand them either, not really, not in a way that touches my deep
deep shirley soul. and so it's just how it is. things have been the same for so long and i don't know hwy i keep
thinking they will be different ... there is no escaping who you are, and i realize tha tove rand over but i can't
get it to stick no matter what, even though everyone tells me i am a shirley forever, even though i go through this
over and over an dover, realizing i am shirley forever ... well, this last time i think i didn't go too far backwards.
never fully believed i could be anything but a hsirley. and so i guess that is progress. there are many things i do
not like about myself an dmy circumstance and the world. but who am i to complain to?? the internet? my only ear.
it has no mouth, the internet it seems, only ears for me to scream into. anyway.
i fear i have fried my brain so intensely i cannot think properly and every movement is painful, existence itself is
painful. you work hard, so hard, to have it all ripped from you, all of your progress... and i am left ot see myself
as more or less useless. and such. but what is worth anything in the end. and anyway, are you ever confused which
shirle you are? i feel like i have been infected by the sad one ...............................